Sanctuary

Hello readers! Wow… Now that I’m here, I hardly know what to say! I guess I should start with why I’m here… I just had a miscarriage. More specifically, I just had my fourth miscarriage in just over two years. And even more to the point, I just had my FINAL miscarriage. This one was our last shot- we’re calling it quits. No more injections, early morning bloodwork, ultrasounds, no more riding the roller coaster of hope and despair. It’s all over.

With all of my previous losses, I’ve moved through the stages of grief in a predictable and smooth manner- when things start going wrong, I experience denial and bargaining… Frantically seeking out stories just like mine with a happy ending. And praying. A lot. Once reality hits, and I know that miscarriage is imminent, I experience varying degrees of sadness and anger, as one would expect. And finally, when the miscarriage is over, and my body starts gearing up for another cycle, I start to accept my fate. Though I have to say- I don’t think the anger and sadness ever completely disappears- it just becomes less intense and easier to live with.

Things are different this time. As it probably should be- I’ve not only lost a baby, but I’ve lost the DREAM of another baby. And it’s really, really hard. My grief is a little like a caged animal- sometimes it’s quietly pacing in the back of my mind, safely locked away, making it’s presence known, but not posing any real danger.

Then occasionally, the animal escapes.

I have to say, when this happens, it is completely and utterly overwhelming. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I’m afraid to move or breathe for fear that the animal will take hold, and never let me go. It’s terrifying, and I’m afraid to really face it. I find myself building a sanctuary in my mind- not built of bricks and mortar, but of thoughts and wishes- of hopes and dreams of a future, different from the one I had always imagined, but filled with peace and love and happiness nonetheless. It’s a nice place to hide, and I find myself visiting often.

Maybe a little too often. Maybe my sanctuary is just another form of denial. Maybe I’m just not ready to bear the real weight of my grief just yet. Or maybe this is just how I’m coping with the loss of such an important dream- by trying to balance every negative thought and emotion with a positive one, and hoping like crazy that eventually, the misery will just disappear. Obviously, I don’t have it all figured out just yet.

What I do know is that I will be ok. Somehow. Some day. I have a wonderfully supportive husband, a beautiful daughter, amazing friends… All in all, a good life. And I refuse to do this life an injustice by getting stuck in a dark place. I will move on and I will prevail. I just have absolutely no clue how the hell I’m going to do it! I hope the path will someday become clear.

I’m glad you’re here with me, readers, and I hope you stay a while, and share this journey with me. I can’t promise much, but I can say with certainty that it will be filled with ups and downs, soaring highs and crushing lows, love, laughter, sadness, fear…. And hope. That’s life, right?

Thanks for joining me…

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4 comments
  1. I just got caught up on your story and I wanted to say that I’m so sad for you. Although our situations are different, I feel very connected to you and will continue to be here – to read and offer support. All the best to you!

    • Thank you J. I really appreciate the support. Our situations are different, but the pain of infertility is the same across the board. I’m glad we can all be here to support each other.

  2. My blog has been a lifesaver for years now, so I can totally understand wanting your own space. I will be reading along too!

    If I were you, I would trundle over to Stirrup Queen’s LFCA (http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.ca/) and submit your news. Something along the lines of “new blog, wanting to connect with other bloggers who are one child families not by choice”. I bet there will be other women out there to connect with.
    xoxo
    Ang.

  3. You know I’ll be here reading… and supporting. I think this is a wonderful outlet for you, and so many others who have also gone through loss, myself included, will benefit from your words, because we are going through this with you too. Love you.

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