Being in limbo is hard. You would think, after all those years of two week waits, and multiple possibly viable/possibly not pregnancies, I would be accustomed to living with uncertainty about really important stuff, but I’m here to say that it NEVER gets any easier.
I haven’t heard about the job, for those who are wondering. But I know that they have called my references. And I did receive a nice e-mail (in response to the note I sent to thank them for the interview) from my HR contact at the company, telling me that, rest assured, I did not completely blow it because I was ill, and that they will be in contact sometime this week. At least I know that I still have a shot at this one.
Not unlike those years of painfully long luteal phases, and excruciating waits between ultrasounds, waiting to find out the fate of the baby I was carrying at the time, I find myself waiting again. Waiting for news about something that could drastically alter the course of my life. And with the waiting comes the wondering. And the over-analyzing. Is this really the right job for me? What if the salary is less than I hope it will be? Just how much of a pay cut am I willing to take for an improved lifestyle? What will happen to all my summer plans if I accept this new job? Will I have to cancel everything? Will I be lonely, working all by myself, after all these years of working in a hospital with thousands of employees? What if I miss my coworkers (who, after 18 years together, are like family to me)? What if I absolutely hate it, and sink into a deep depression? What if, what if, what if…
Of course, none of this will matter unless they offer me the job… so I’m trying really, REALLY hard to just take this one day at a time. But I’ve never been much good at that.
I really hope I hear something soon….